Wicked II

I'm writing this one hot off the press because God just won't turn me loose. I laugh in these moments because sometimes He wants to add to what has been said. In my small mind I think, we got it Lord, but then I have to be reminded our thoughts are not His thoughts, and our ways are not His ways.

He pursues our hearts relentlessly because He knows everything we do and say, even internally, flows from this place. On the last blog I talked about wickedness in my own heart, and my lack of awareness that it was present, but He wants to go a little deeper.

What do you do when you become aware of areas that need His touch, His wisdom, and His healing? I personally take an approach of humility. I run to Him, lay that person, issue, or pain down and invite Him in that space. Sometimes there is instant change, and sometimes there is a reprocessing that happens. He speaks so that I can receive healing, maybe a renewed mind so that I can look at the situation or the person differently, and on other occasions He is silent. His silence is typically my indication that I need to worship, and through worship I receive what I need.

Today, He wants me to address those of us who prefer to ignore what He brings to our attention. I say us because there was a time when my response would be, "Oh Lord, something else. I'm serving. I'm being obedient. What else do you want from me?"

He wants everything.

Some of us are busy, serving empty. I am not referring to giving from an empty place. I am talking about serving, giving, showing up and not in His will. He desires to do a work in our hearts so that we can walk fully in our purpose. Some of us would prefer to ignore the heart work, but do some type of work so it appears that we are doing His work. I would never minimize what we do for Him, but He values us and relationship more. If no one else knows, He knows the motive and intent behind all things, and He will not allow us to hide behind impure motive and intent forever. Busyness is the enemy of change. It is a distraction, and He knows when you are using it to avoid the work, the acknowledgement, or the ownership of the very things that will create transformation in your life.

You may be asking, why is this important? We are showing up in spaces bitter, with smiles, doing the work. We are entering His sacred space angry and sinning in our hearts because we are refusing to yield to what He is asking of us. We are wounding those around us with our words, with our actions, and calling it service. We are unable to experience answered prayers because our eyes and our focus have moved from Him to the offense, pain, or people.

I can recall a season when I was very bitter. It had been a couple of years after we lost my father in law, and God was doing a work in my family that I could not see. It was an answered prayer manifesting right in front of me, and I could not experience it or recognize it because of the condition of my heart.

Prior to losing him, my husband and I were in transition. We were married a little over a year, establishing new things, seeking God fervently for direction, and we were helping my father in law start a new ministry. We were so excited about this new season because it seemed to be an answer. It was a part of our fresh start. What we had not prepared for was losing him a couple weeks before the first service. It felt like the rug was ripped from under us because not only did we lose a father, we lost a spiritual covering, support, wisdom, unconditional love - someone that was present. We were angry and confused.

We decided to keep his apartment until the lease ended to assist with the transition for the family, and on one occasion I was praying in his closet, and I encountered God in a supernatural way. It was so overwhelming it scared me, and I received a download from the holy spirit. I began praying, but my heart knew they weren't prayers that were initiated with me. They were prayers my father in law had already prayed, and I needed to know what they were.

It was encouraging, edifying, and confirming. Although he was gone, he left behind God's words and many promises, but it wasn't long before life became more difficult. Grief can be a thief and deceitful, especially when you do not have the support you need. Life can seem unreal, even when you are waking up daily doing the things; going to work, taking care of kids, attending church, and serving - just going through the motions.

We entered a season where we had to make some hard decisions because things had gotten so bad, our small family was unraveling and our marriage was suffering. My husband values family, and when he fully saw our condition, grief can blind you too, he turned his heart toward God. He knew if it could be saved, it would only be by Him. I was hurting, I was angry, and with a smile on my face, I stayed bitter.

I showed up, cooked dinners, said the right things, prayed the prayers, joined the ministries, served faithfully, followed my husband, hosted families, and encouraged others, but my heart was far from him and the Lord. That lasted for several years. The very prayers of my father in law were happening, and I couldn't see it and because of how I served, no one knew but God, and my husband.

It was a similar encounter in my own closet that brought me into an awareness of my condition, and it started with a reminder of those prayers. I asked God angrily, "Well, when are you going to do it," and in that still, small voice He said, "I already did."

I wasn't much of a crier then, but I wept bitterly for several hours because in that moment I had to yield to the fact that I had lost sight of God, not the promises, not the prayers, but Him. I had lost time because I had not been present. Although my pain was real, the offenses were real, everything I felt was real, I had forgotten how to invite Him in those places. I was guarding my heart from the very one that created it, and although He is a gentleman, He did not want me to live like that any longer.

For those of you who are using busyness as a distraction, you could be unknowingly doing more harm than good. You are a spinning wheel in the air, exerting energy but there is no movement because you are not on the path. For those who are struggling to invite God in those painful spaces, I am a living witness that it's worth it. He has new life for you, and He wants you to receive it. A part of you is dying, and that is the part that He wants to live. For those of you who are hiding behind your works, if He had to choose between your good works for others and actually having your heart, He would choose you every single time because that's how much He loves you. For those of you who don't know where to start, reach out because that is what this community is for.

I desire you to thrive in your purpose, but that first requires you to thrive as a person.