Wicked

Psalms 139:23-24

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:

24 And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Have you ever heard something about yourself and you were shocked because of how untrue it was? Well a couple of days ago, I learned something about myself, I was shocked, but what I learned was actually true. I am a vivid dreamer, and when I dream it is either true or it happens. In this instance, I do not believe I am capable of completing this actual task, but what it symbolizes was very much in my heart.

I was standing in a room. It was not very large, and my focus was completely on the person standing in front of me. I was myself so I could feel and see everything from my perspective, and the person standing across from me had a gun pointed directly at me. I was not afraid, but because of who it was, I was very angry. This person is someone who should protect me and make sure I'm safe. Out of self defense, I pointed a gun back at the person, but my finger was not on the trigger. We stood there for a short period of time and the person pulled the trigger. I did not shoot back, and I felt the bullet fly by my face. It did not graze me, but it was close enough that I felt the wind and speed of it by my cheek. It wasn't a warning shot necessarily, but the reason I did not shoot is because the person intentionally moved the gun over before pulling the trigger. After pulling the trigger, face without emotion, the person put the gun down. I put my gun down as well, but I believe in the moment I began processing what happened. Moving the gun or not, they pulled the trigger. If I had moved slightly, I would have been shot in the face, and of all people, why would this person take a chance like that with my life? I picked up the person's gun because some kind of way I knew there was one more bullet in the chamber, I cocked the gun, and I shot the person. I made sure to shoot them in the shoulder, what should have been a non lethal wound, but this individual ended up dying anyway. I felt no sadness, and no remorse, and honestly if you knew who the person was, you would be concerned that not one tear fell and not one emotion was felt.

I woke up, shook, confused, and concerned. I was self evaluating like girl what is wrong with with you. I wouldn't kill anyone, and especially that person, and in a still, small voice I heard,

"That is what's in your heart. Because of how this person has wronged you, you have transitioned from self-defense to revenge. In your heart, you are waiting on an opportunity to return what has been done to you, and you have validated it which is why there is no emotion. No you would not shoot a person, but you can kill a person with actions, words, or lack there of." God said to me, "You do not have the power or authority to determine what is non-lethal. What you think is small and insignificant, because of your limited perspective, can be the very thing that causes someone's heart to be broken so much that they die. Your words, your actions can be the cause of someone quitting or not pursuing purpose. While you have a view of where they are, where they should be, and how they should treat you, I created them and know who they are and what they need."

Are you mad too? He constantly reminds me to not get weary in well doing because if I do, my response to weary can be the cause of someone's demise. It can get frustrating and sometimes I ask the question, "Why do I have to be the one to do the right thing?" I have to make the call first, even when I am not in the wrong. I have to close my mouth, even when boundaries are crossed. Sometimes I want to fight my own battle, just once. I realize if God is that adamant about not letting me speak (non lethal wound), my words and actions must carry more weight than I realize. Also, a little pride get's in the mix because who am I to think I can ever be above God's desire, instruction, or plan.

God is just and He has not ignored what was done to me, and it has been an area of repeated offense, but He does require I forgive and allow Him to heal my heart so that it is not a hindrance to me. I know, it seems unfair, but one thing God has already done is create distance so that harm will not continue to come to me, but even with the distance, my heart has become hard in an area that He wants to soften, not necessarily for that person's benefit, but for my continued growth and maturity. Clearly, the distance is also for that person's protection too. He knows his daughter, and although in the moment there was no remorse, I desire to build people up and not tear them down, and I fear using my words in a way that causes irreparable damage. I desire that my heart, words, actions, and desires reflect His. He knows the guilt and shame that I would carry once the anger subsides, once I see the impact, so just like a good father, He is asking me to release it to Him now.

As I continue to process this, I want to encourage you to put the gun down. It is not worth the pain, damage, and death it will bring to pick up their weapon and use it. It is not who you are. It does not align with your character. You have fought so hard to become, change, and grow. No, that progress does not disappear instantly because you pick up and use their weapon, but there are consequences to every action, especially when it is not in alignment with His will. He has you covered, He has a solution, and His way will heal your heart (and theirs), and keep your hands clean in the process. I know it does not seem fair or right. He saw what they did, what they said, and how they treated you. Let him fight your battle because He knows more than you could ever know. Don't try to do his job because you are not equipped. You do not have the knowledge, skill, or experience to do God's job. Put it down, and walk away.