Permission to Grieve

One of the most beautiful things about my relationship with my therapist is she has seen my growth over the years. Just as strongly as she read me in my first session, she affirms and encourages me as I evolve. From ugly crying at her desk because I didn’t realize I was sad, unpacking the complicated relationships and situations that have happened in my life in the last couple of years, and now crying from joy about the book and the upcoming Mom Dreams event, this has been a process.

I told her stories in our first couple of sessions so nonchalantly. There were some stories where she kept a straight face, but I could tell she struggled not to have a reaction, not because she hadn’t heard about things more tragic, I believe it was my lack of emotion as I shared. When you are not taught healthy ways to process experiences and emotions, it’s easy to become numb. Some become extremely emotional and sensitive and the ones like me go through life checking the boxes and feeling nothing.

It impacted my drive, motivation, discipline, consistency, and my ability to recognize positive change in myself and others. Processing grief was one of the first major areas that I had to learn so that I could get an understanding of myself. It required my willingness to peel back layers and I found that the root of my frustration, stagnation, and anger spanned further back than motherhood and my marriage. I had experienced so much loss in every area you could imagine, loss of self, loss of hope, loss of what I had in mind, and loss of relationships. Grief comes with any loss.

When I shared the topic for the Mom Dreams event, my therapist was so excited and like she always does, she gave me so much insight to make this experience more impactful. She began talking about the importance of understanding the different types of grief, which was something we never covered in our previous sessions. We will dive deeper in April, especially as the speakers share their personal stories, but I wanted to give you something that could help you as you wait.

The Cleveland Clinic identified 5 different types of grief.

Anticipatory Grief – This is the process of mourning a loss before it happens. This can happen when someone is facing a terminal illness, and it can help prepare for an outcome that is inevitable.

Abbreviated Grief - This occurs when someone processes their loss quickly, often because they already experienced anticipatory grief. When there is emotional preparation ahead of time, a person may need less time to grieve after the loss. A shorter grieving period doesn’t diminish the significance of the loss. Everyone experiences grief in their own way and at their own pace.

Delayed Grief – This occurs when the emotional impact of a loss is postposed, surfacing days, weeks, or even months later. This can happen due to shock, which temporarily suppresses grief or because immediate responsibilities, such as planning a funeral or managing legal matters, take priority. Once those tasks are completed, the emotions may finally come.

Inhibited Grief – This happens when emotions are suppressed rather than processed. Many people have not been taught or they struggle to recognize or express their grief. Without realizing it, they’re holding it in, which manifests in physical symptoms like digestive issues, insomnia, anxiety or panic attacks.

Cumulative Grief – This happens when a person experiences multiple losses at the same time. For instance, losing a child and then going through a divorce can compound the grieving process. It can make the process more challenging and emotionally overwhelming.

Collective Grief – This happens when a group of people mourn a shared loss, often due to major events like wars, natural disasters, and pandemics. These experiences disrupt daily life and alter what is considered normal, leading communities to grieve together while adjusting to an uncertain future.

I spent many years living in the void between cumulative and inhibited grief. When I thought relief was coming, it was a small pause in preparation for more loss. In three years, we lost both of our grandparents, my father in law, jobs, our home, and our plan. Newly married and newly graduated from college, we were full of hope and excitement and life delivered disappointment, most of which was out of our control. The next wave brought another home loss, severed and damaged relationships with extended family, challenges in marriage due to delayed grief, and struggles with parenting. Again we pulled through but we did not take the time to recover because life was demanding more than we had, and we had to keep showing up.

Another wave brought more death, loss of friendships that we thought would last a life time, betrayal from people we thought we could trust, and the end of business partnerships. Those are just snippets, but we needed someone to see the loss, see the grief, and give us permission to pause, to be human, and to slow down enough to process life without stopping. The perception that we could not pause caused so many unnecessary heartbreaks, breakdowns in communication, and damage, some that we are still working through. I share this to say you have permission, take the time, even if it's slowly. Identify your type of grief, and even your stage of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

If you need help, we are here to provide support and connect you with resources to support you as you go. You have permission to take it a day at a time.

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24787-grief