Pending Review - Rest in the Wait

Why does the final review of anything bring nervousness, anxiety, and fear? You could be confident throughout an entire process, but as soon as you see something that says final, pending completion, or anything in the vicinity of "this is about to be over," here comes the sweats and heart palpitations.

This has been a season of completion, and if I am honest, it has brought waves of excitement and relief mixed with internal panic. When you put your heart, tears, and time into something, you want it to be the best. That best you desire can easily become an obsession, and this is coming from a recovering perfectionists. It still has the ability to creep in from time to time.

I remember submitting my final paper for my master's program. It was finished 48 hours before it was due. I re-read, edited, and edited back for two days because the thing standing between me and my degree was fear. It wasn't that I hadn't experienced success during those two years. That final paper judged by someone else was going to determine if I graduated or not. Instead of submitting it early, celebrating, and trusting my prior success, I obsessed over every detail and worried until I got that final grade. That three days was excruciating.

I remember when we were in the home buying process. We had dotted every eye, crossed every T, and provided everything that was asked of us. We received confirmation that we were in what should be the final review from the underwriter so that we could be cleared to close. I was in the office that day, and all I did was literally stare at my phone wondering would it happen this time. Should I go ahead and take off work? What if I had to tell my boss again that this one fell through and I no longer needed time off? This process came with challenges, and there was so much opposition beyond the home buying process. It was during this time that I learned I dealt with anxiety, and I experienced my first panic attack in the women's restroom at my job. One house had fallen through, and we were restarting the process on a new home. Just sending the money for our second appraisal on a new property sent me spiraling, sweating, and I nearly passed out on the bathroom floor. We didn't reach this step the first time. Instead of celebrating, I went back over emails to make sure I didn't miss anything, I resisted the urge to contact our realtor, and my poor husband. Thank you for being patient with me love.

Well, I am here again at final review for my book, and I am writing about it so that I will be intentional about celebrating during the 72-hour wait. I will not re-read the manuscript for the third time to make sure I do not find additional errors. Someone with experience has already done that. I will not think about how this will be received or how I will be viewed once people have a more intimate view of my life. The purpose of this project is to help others, and I am healed enough to manage or ignore people's opinions and criticism. If it is true, it's true, and if it's not, their opinions are not any of my business. It is a reflection of their brokenness. If my sharing reveals those areas, then it's doing it's job. I am telling myself this as I write because my mind has not caught up with those truths. I am actively in a heart posture of gratefulness, shifting to a mindset of thankfulness, and putting on an attitude of joy and celebration. It is finished. I did my part, and now God can do His.

I'm finding rest in the wait, and I believe that is the root of my joy. To have the opportunity to collaborate with God is a great blessing. To learn of your purpose is a tremendous gift. To begin walking it out without a full view of the path reaps great reward. I built my ark, and God is preparing to send the rain.