Mother Wounds

For those of you who do not know, last weekend my friends and I attended the Woman Evolve conference. It is our second year attending because last year was so life changing, and it was an opportunity for us to celebrate as a group and acknowledge our accomplishments, our obedience, and all that God has done.

Sarah Jakes Roberts, in all her wisdom and planning has a way of surprising you, even when you prepare your heart, and the mother wounds session with Dr. Anita Phillips was that session for me. If you have read my book or past blogs, you know Anita Phillips is the reason I went to therapy. Her unique perspective and revelation on how people are wired made me question the thought that I didn't need therapy, and I definitely needed it.

The mother wounds segment originated from Genesis 3:16, the curse given to Eve after she ate the fruit in disobedience.

To the woman He said, “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children...”

We always consider the physical pain of childbirth, but we rarely consider the mental and emotional pain that comes through having and raising children, whether it be related to our birthing story, our mothers' relationship with her own mother, or other factors that bring more than just physical pain.

She presented the wisdom that we are born into this world with mother wounds, all of us with a need for connection, love, and safety. All of us do not receive those immediate needs, and even when we do, there are still some areas that we receive wounds. She listed 5 major areas.

1. Personality - When we are different from our mothers, they can say things continuously that break our hearts; you are too much, you are dramatic, you aren't smart. Instead of bridging the gap between our personalities, they can make us feel like something is wrong with us because we are not like them.

   
   

2. Priority - Naturally we should be a priority to our mothers. They are typically our caretakers and nurturers, but in some cases, other things are more important; men, relationships, careers, feeling young.

   
   

3. Privacy - In some mother-daughter relationships, we received too much privacy or not enough. It was as if we were adults raising ourselves or she didn't respect boundaries at all.

   
   

4. Power - As a young lady grows, there must be a transition from rules to relationship. Some mothers still try to lord over their children with manipulation by using title, position, authority, and what they did or sacrificed for their children.

   
   

5. Past - Some mother through a lens of their past. What they tried to prevent still happened because they approached their role from their pain. Instead of seeing their daughter as a unique individual, she is seen and treated as if she is the mother, and every decision, discipline, conversation, and approach is made through that lens.

Then she provided 3 things that can be done to begin the healing process.

1. Write down the lies you have believed because of these wounds. These lies have impacted how you have built relationships, made decisions, and how you have mothered your own children.

   
   

2. The most valuable information you can receive from your mother is what happened to her. Ask her what was the hardest and scariest thing she experienced. Even if she apologizes, that alone will not heal you. You can cut her off with boundaries, but it does not cut out the impact her mothering or lack of has had on you. You are responsible for your own healing process, and it could start, not with blame, but with the right questions.

   
   

3. Serve to heal because you receive freedom through serving others. If your mother was homeless, volunteer at a homeless shelter. If your mother was on drugs, make care packages for women in a rehab center. Find a way to serve through the pain.

There was not a dry eye in the room, and I believe it brought so much clarity for women. For women who had extremely traumatic experiences, it gave them language and something to do with their pain. For those of us with present but imperfect mothers, it gave us permission to not feel guilty about our wounds. We were exposed, vulnerable, and not ashamed.

In all transparency, my major wound was my mother's past. Her story is not mine to tell, but I know it was filled with lack, rejection, trauma and unimaginable pain. It served her as I was a child, but as I grew she no longer knew where she fit. I continued reaching for my mother, but she could not meet me in relationship because all she believed she had to offer, was something I no longer needed. I know that is the place I meet many of you, and why I have such a heart for women and mothers. I encourage you to continue growing with your children because they may come to a place where they no longer need your rules and protection, but they still need your love and support. They will come to a place where they begin to trust their judgement over yours, but they still need your wisdom and experience. Sometimes your words will push them away, but your silence and embrace will do more for their hearts in broken moments then any advice you could ever give.

No matter how old your children become, they still need their mother, and if we truly desire to see old cycles broken, it starts with us. I thank God for bridging the gap in the areas where my mother could not meet me. He sent women already ahead of me to give me wisdom, perspective, and affirmation where I am now. The desire to receive these things from my own mother never goes away, but understanding does provide a gratefulness for what she could provide then and what she can give now.

What mother wound is speaking to you the most, and what are you going to do to start the healing process?