In Bloom

One week later, and I love you all too much to leave you with a cliff hanger. I will be honest; I typically meet with my therapist once a month to check in unless catastrophe strikes, and I need assistance navigating something I do not have the tools for. When she left me with "You are bitter." I could not wait another month, so yes, I booked her next available appointment this week. She asked me how I was doing. I told her, "I imagine you can guess since I'm right back here within a week. I'm still grappling with the fact that you called me bitter. Yes, I cried after the session, I was compelled to share, and as crazy as my week has been, this has not left my mind."

She went on to explain some things that are reframing how I view wholeness and healing. She said the reality is there are many people walking around bitter but not angry. You are one of those people. Sometimes we are not aware of how experiences impact us until we are triggered, and we have an emotional response. It is the beauty of the human experience. It keeps us connected, it keeps us relevant, and it keeps us humble. When those moments happen, our goal is to be aware. Acknowledging the response and the bitterness, helps us manage it and keeps it from consuming us. We cannot control how things impact us emotionally and mentally, but we can manage our response to those moments.

We would love to deal with an issue, move on, and it never impact us again, but that is not how healing works. We will continuously be hurt, offended, and mistreated in this life. We will also unintentionally do things to others even when we are careful, thoughtful, and loving. It is our nature, but to be healthy we have to acknowledge both and take the steps to release whatever is needed to continue to move forward. Sometimes we have to release forgiveness, gratefulness, and thoughtful apologies, but what makes this process easier is full acceptance of who we are, where we are, and who people are. I left that session with clarity and relief that I was right where I should be.

It has been a goal of mine to be intentional about connecting with those in my inner circle so after all that pouring into me, I had brunch scheduled with a friend of mine. We both had a tough week, and we needed to connect and update one another on life. I wanted to be supportive, I wanted to be encouraging, and I wanted that time to focus on her. Let's just say that was not God's plan, and I left that space feeling seen, heard, and wrecked. She updated me first, and when it was my turn, I made a decision to be fully transparent and honest. I have a tendency to hide in tender spaces especially if I'm still processing.

She has had a front row seat to my life, especially for the last two years, and the insight she shared completely changed my perspective. Most of the traumatic parts of these situations have subsided, and I am left with the carnage and ashes. Sometimes it's hard for us to see the beauty in the mess especially when we are in it, and especially when it's our own mess. We talked about the previous blog, the bitterness, and then she transitioned to acceptance. I felt like I was in the twilight zone because our conversation picked up right where my therapy left off. I will not confirm or deny I threatened to throw the Tabasco sauce at her. I would never, but it was great comic relief before we went deeper.

She laid out every detail, we call it putting it all on the table, and she pointed out God's hand in every situation that happened in my life. She talked about how my family was covered. She talked about the how, the methods were messy but necessary, traumatic, but the only way things could be revealed. She reminded me of God's love and how even in the mess, God saw what I needed, and He provided it. She pointed out the length of time I have had to walk this thing out, and the fact that God knows when we have done all we can do and it's time for Him to step in. To say I was a mess at the table, in front of strangers, at brunch, is an understatement. The things that are living rent free in my mind and on repeat are there was nothing else you could have done, it was not your fault, it had nothing to do with you even though it impacted you, and He loved you enough to create space.

I want to say the same things to you today. You did all you could do, and there was nothing else you could have done. It was not your fault. Yes, it impacted you, but you can release the guilt, pain, and fear that you hold onto. Yes, it was hard, yes it was traumatic, but you are still here, and whatever happened, it has created more space for you to be everything you were created to be and do everything you were created to do. Sometimes it's hard to see, and the process in most cases does not feel good. We all have negative experiences, trauma, pain, and strained relationships, but there is joy too. My sister friend has the ability to see the good in every difficult situation because she looks for it, and I am grateful for that gift today. She handled me with care, only sharing that beauty when it was time and when my heart was ready.

I still have work to do, and some thank you messages to send, but I am sure about one thing. I will be intentional, looking for joy, as she shared, in the simple things. I will use this space He created wisely because God knows exactly what I need. And when I have hard days and I begin to forget how good He is and how blessed I am, I will take that walk in the sun because it makes me feel light, free, and helps me refocus on things that matter the most.

So here's my heart, a little less bitter, a little more healed, with things I can do to bring healing, restoration, and new life for myself and others.