I Struggle

One of the things I talked about when I started this group was holistic health. I said, "Nothing is off the table, we want to make sure we are growing in every area." Then I was reminded this past week, we means me too. I am pretty disciplined with my emotional health (now after several years of therapy), my mental health (again because of therapy), my spiritual health (because ya'll know I love Jesus), but there is one area where I have no discipline at all.

For the majority of my life, it has been structured, planned, ordered by someone or something. When I was young, the someones were my parents. I played sports not only as extracurriculars, it was a way for me to get exposure, spend time with my friends, and be competitive. They were super strict and there wasn't much I could do.

I got a wee little break, maybe a year, then I became a parent. My life was structured by finishing college and being a mother. I transitioned into being a wife, then mother of two, a working wife and mother of two, my husband is a dreamer so that involved my time and talents, we love to serve and volunteer so we took those opportunities. Are you seeing a pattern? My life has always been structured, planned, and ordered by responsibility.

At some point I decided that I deserved to lack discipline in an area, and unfortunately I chose the worst one. As I am getting older, I am feeling the impact of the running, doing, and being without self-care. I know we look at self-care as the mani-pedi, a nice restaurant, or an empty quiet home. Self-care also involves taking care of myself. To enjoy that vacation, that paid time off, attending our children's many events, or building a dream, we need to have energy and be in good physical health.

Don't get me wrong, I will hit a cycling class about once a week, with the intent of three, just to remind myself it's not that bad and I still have it. I can walk a couple of miles with no problem, the muscle memory is real. But these knees, they talk and they are saying, "You are weighing us down." I remember last year for Father's Day we decided to take my husband to Epic Waters. We had an amazing time. I even rode the biggest slide with the steep drop, which was a shocker to my entire family, but when we got home my right knee swelled like a huge baseball. Those damn stairs. That day ended with ice on my knee, and I had to wear an ankle brace for several weeks.

As if that weren't enough, my doctor told me I had high cholesterol in October. It wasn't high enough to require medicine, but I have to take specific vitamins, minimize sweets and fried foods, exercise 3-times per weeks, you know the list. Of course the first couple of weeks I was on it, but slowly life starting lifing, the fear subsided, and my empty vitamin container has been empty, embarrassingly to say for about 2 weeks.

I am sharing because I know we all have an area where we continuously have to reset and refocus. As I begin to get busier with this dream, I am realizing that tired is transitioning to exhaustion, knee pain arises when I stand for extended periods of time (not just when I climb a billion flights of stairs), and my passion for running with my grandchildren and being healthy enough to be present in big and small moments is surpassing my desire to have an area where I can freely do what I want. I guess I can call that growing up.

No, I do not have a plan yet. No, I am not going to a weight loss doctor because simply discipline will do exactly what I need it to. No, I do not want to do it, but I desire the outcome more than anything. I have learned even through starting Mom Dreams, if you are passionate enough to start it and disciplined enough to get to each milestone (which is some type of finish), you will receive everything you need along the way to maintain it.

I humbled myself this week and reached out to some of my sisters for accountability and I found out they were struggling too. Maybe it's not physical health, and it's another area, but I encourage you to do the same. Reach out to our community or someone in your inner circle, because sometimes we just need a little bit of encouragement and accountability.

I am starting, again.