Fear & Obedience

For those of you who do not know, we are currently reading a book in the Mom Dreams group called F*ck Happiness: How Women are Ditching the Cult of Positivity and Choosing Radical Joy. Don't clutch your pearls, there is literally one curse word in the book so far, and we are more than half way done. I have not written here about our discussions, but after this past week's reading, I haven't been able to get away from it.

The most impactful quote for me so far was in last week's reading, and the discussion on Tuesday is living rent free in my mind. Ariel Gore said, "We don't need children to be happy, but motherhood has taught me this: to experience joy, we have to be able to honestly experience darkness too. In responsibility to relationship, we build bodies of memory, and life experience that we can be proud of. Motherhood has taught me that the opposite of happiness isn't struggle. It isn't even depression. The opposite of happiness is fear and obedience."

That quote resonated with me so deeply because early in motherhood, a place in life where I felt unsure, unprepared, unequipped, and not supported, many of the decisions I made were from a place of fear and obedience. The fear of failure, the fear of repeating my parent's unhealthy behaviors, the fear of not being enough, the fear that my children would not feel loved, navigated my mindset, perspective, and decisions. If I'm honest, I can congratulate fear because it stole years of fulfillment in my role as a mother and wife. I am reclaiming it, but I cannot deny that time is one currency that you can't get back.

When I speak of obedience, I am not talking about obedience to God or law - I speak of some of our automatic responses to live according to the expectations of others. It is not easy going against tradition, culture, religion, or the things that our parents told us were necessary to be successful. We saw it worked for them so we made assumptions that it would work for us not taking into account changing times, needs, and other factors. My true question is did it really work?

I will never disregard or minimize the immense impact my upbringing had on my life. It made me who I am. Their sacrifices created space for me to have more, to extend beyond their experiences and live life openly, fully, and authentically. They do not agree with all of my methods, but it takes a brave person to go against what is expected, what is taught, and dare to believe for and pursue more and better. Everyone will not do it, and when we do we expose ourselves to scrutiny, judgment, and other people's prediction of our failure. Some people want us to fail and some people project their failures on us, but will you make the choice to reject fear and obedience? It's a hard choice.

I know there are areas in my life where people have and will continue to say, "See, if you would have just done it our way, it would look differently." I reject fear and obedience because the growth of strong trees take time, and even when they appear fully grown, it takes even more time to see fruit. My life will continue to reap the fruit of my choices, and my decisions have been made with intention - not for short term gain, not for instant gratification, but for lasting harvest. I willingly accept temporary discomfort for the future I have seen and I believe in.

Fear and obedience will not steal anymore of my time because I am pursuing a fulfilling life full of hope, joy, and happiness. Although the path will include challenges, heartache, and unfamiliar spaces, I would rather live a life full of intention then a life that was planned for me by a person that lives in fear and obedience themselves. I will follow the master plan for my life and invite the growth it creates, the resistance it requires, and the pain that is necessary to move from what is to what will be.

So f*ck fear and obedience - it is a silent killer, a cruel thief, and an empty promiser of safety and security.