Broken Pieces

I believe letting go is one of the hardest parts of the human experience. We are told if we don't plan, we plan to fail. We are encouraged to go all in and pursue our dreams. Many of us put our all into our careers, spouses, raising children, being a supportive friend, and making ourselves available to extended family. But what happens when that career door closes, the business fails, the spouse hurts you in ways you never expected, the child rejects your love and support, and those people you rode hard for betray you? What happens when you look around and your life looks nothing like what you planned or what you had in mind?

I was speaking with a young lady a couple of weeks ago, and we were talking about where her life was and the things she was frustrated about. She was not complaining, she was just expressing how she felt about her reality, and I really connected with her in that moment. Although our life experiences are totally different, I could relate to being disappointed, dissatisfied with life, and feeling stuck. Many of the things she talked about were things that she could not change. She did not necessarily want to change them, but they were not what she expected.

I made a suggestion, something that I have done in different phases of my life. I told her when she got alone to write down everything she had in mind. Write down the things she thought she would have done by now, areas of growth she thought she would have surpassed, how she thought her relationships would look. I encouraged her to cover every area; career, family, spouse, personal goals, children, and relationships. Everything that she thought or planned and it did not happen, write it down.

Once the writing was complete she was supposed to re-read the list and allow herself to be angry, to cry, to feel authentically because this exercise was the start of a grieving process. It was the death of what she had in mind. It did not minimize what she had already accomplished, it was an opportunity to release what she thought, which creates spaces to be fully present in the now and make decisions to reach for the things she desires.

A small disclaimer, if you plan to do this, make sure you are alone and tear it up or burn it when it is complete. This is a list you would never want your husband, children, or someone in close relationship to see. Your unhappiness is not their own, and things like this tend to make others feel unappreciated or not enough.

She completed the first step and she shared that something happened that had not happened in a really long time. She cried. Crying helps emotions pass through, and although some of us have been taught it's a sign of weakness, it's actually a natural way our body release stress and tension. When we spoke again, she was not quite ready to move to the next step, but I will share what comes next.

The next step in the process is to write down what is right now, in the present. It is not writing down feelings about what is, it's just writing the facts of life. Who are you married to, how long have you been married, how many children do you have, what is the condition of each relationship that matters to you: we are close, we are distant, we do not talk as much as we used to? Where do you work, and how do you spend the majority of your time? Again, writing this should cover everything because this begins the acceptance process. Everything may not be exactly how you want it, but when written down, it is easier to see how blessed you are, areas of abundance, and areas where you have done well. It requires full presence in the moment. This list you should keep.

The final step is to write down what you desire now in your family, career, relationships, and every other area. You are not the same person that expected and planned all the things you wrote down in that first step. In each area, you have the opportunity to identify new goals and new desires. This process plants seeds of hope as you work to fully accept the reality you did not expect. It is a good exercise because it gives you something to look forward to, something to work toward, and it provides a reminder that anything that is presently making you frustrated, unhappy, or unfulfilled can be temporary.

We spend our lives gathering the pieces of what remains from things that are broken. We also have the option to sit in the remains of what we thought, or fully accept what is so we can transition from disappointment and despair to hope.

I have considered doing this exercise again because I am a firm believe that feelings of accomplishment and disappointment can coexist. Even in this moment, I can identify areas where I am fulfilled while still grieving the unexpected. There are areas that I am confident, and areas that I still wonder if I did enough, and in all of this, I am actively choosing hope. I am choosing to be brave again.