Bitter Roots

We would all like to think that we are loving, forgiving people. We have the ability to set boundaries, release people, and love them from a distance. We have the tools, we have done the work, and we are moving through life aware of ourselves and others. That we is me.

I recently met with my therapist for a check in, and in my session I was updating her on some recent events. They were positive updates, but I had to admit to her that "I had not been feeling it." That "it" could be spread across several areas and it concerned several people. I think in that moment I forgot that she takes amazing notes, she is very intuitive, and she never misses.

She let me finish and then she gently but directly told me I was bitter. I was immediately offended. I could recall the season in my life when I was, and I was not that. When I was bitter I did not trust anyone, I was cynical, and I questioned the motive of everyone and everything. It did not matter how positive the jester or the words, I had to assess if the motive was pure. It was difficult for me to identify or receive genuine love in that season.

When I allowed myself to sit in that moment and transition from offense to listening because again she does not miss, my heart broke a little more because she was right. In the process of rationalizing my experiences from the last year in a half, making sure I was present in moments, and trying to stay focused so that I made sound decisions, bitterness snuck in. No, it had not affected my view on life like before because it had not reached my root system, but it was there.

The word bitter has such a negative connotation. We think about the stubborn older man or woman who we hate to visit because he or she is so mean. We think about the young lady that is jaded because of past betrayals and relationships. She is mostly negative and questions anything positive, progressive, or pleasant. The actual definition of bitterness is anger or disappointment at being treated unfairly, resentment. She basically told me I was still angry and disappointed about somethings that happened. Although there had been progress or movement with them, I had not addressed what happened and how it impacted my heart.

She didn't call me a bad person, she didn't call me angry, and she didn't say I was negative. She told me I had work to do so that bitterness did not slowly seep into my root system. In so many words she reminded me that I am human just like everyone else, and when things are not addressed properly, bitterness becomes a way of life. Instead of pitching a tent to process, people build a home and live there.

It was uncomfortable because I immediately wanted to be alone. I had an audience as I processed what I felt was a negative revelation. I settled in the truth of it all and I recognized that these were repetitive offenses. Yes, I had forgiven them for doing it before, no I was not holding it over their heads when we interacted, but I had not acknowledged that I was disappointed and hurt that they did it again. Those that I love so deeply, those that I approach with care because of my continuous awareness of their struggles and pain, did it again. They did it again without consideration of the condition of my own heart, and they selfishly decided their momentary relief weighed more than the pain they inflicted on me. Then my therapy session was over.

I am dreading our next session because I know it will dive deeper into what that really means, and when it involves multiple people it makes it more complicated. I am also reminded that "create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me" is not a one time thing. In some seasons it has to be a daily request because of the situations we face and the people we cannot avoid. I am grateful that this time my heart does not have to be softened first. I am already open. I am thankful for people that love me enough to be honest. I have an amazing village. Most importantly, I am blessed that I have a relationship with the one that created me. He loves me enough not to allow me to build a home in my bitterness. This is a temporary place, and I made a commitment to myself a long time ago that I would not allow anger, disappointment, or the actions of others to take me to that place again. So here's my bitter heart, a little broken, a little wounded, but postured for healing, restoration, and new life.